Amy · Lynn

It's been over a year since i was last here. I decided to give the place a new look, kinda nice eh? Anyway, a lot has happened in the last year. I am still attending UCI, still wishing I had gone to UCSD. I Still work for Apple, now in the field. And in most recent news I found my lost best friend Jeni. In a string of unrelated events we lost one another a year ago. It wasn't hard since she lives in a different state. I had destroyed yet another phone (it really isn't on purpose) and her purse along with her phone had been stolen. Anyway, last night I had my mom go through the old cell phone bills (go mom for keeping over 5 years worth of bills in a drawer!!!) and we found a few numbers I had called in Texas. It was late and I told my mom I would try the numbers in the morning. About an hour later I got a call from my mom telling me that she had found Jeni. I once again told her that it was 2am in Texas and hoped she was not serious that she had called..... she was. The nice part is that I did call today, Jeni and I talked and laughed about my mother. Who had indeed called her up at 2am. Come to find out Jen was looking for me too, good thing I'm more persistent. She may have left the country without finding me first.

To all of you who find this making no sense, that's okay, I don't always make sense. I think there is only one person who will get the full humor from this anyway. Just know I love my mom, and she is nuts. Now you know where I get it from. Being online today I ran into a few old friends as well so I will be trying to make more regular appearances. Let's see how well that goes as the holiday season comes and drops firewood on our heads. I will try though.

Now, for anyone who is wondering about the new baby in the title. Well that's my new niece. She is one month away from being born and I'm going down to San Diego for the shower this Sat. I am very excited if you can't tell. I'm sure I'll have something to report about the shower next week. Until then take care everyone!!!!

Yes I'm moving, but don't worry, it's not residence. I am going to finally utilize my .mac page and do a lot more of my postings there. I will be able to easily put up pictures and at some point video clips (if I ever do find myself using a DV cam.) When I finally have something up I'll post the URL and ya'all will have to yell me what you think.

Other than that, in other news. I am officially going to UCI (University of California Irvine) in the fall. I was accepted to UCSD (University of California San Diego) but sadly due to financial circumstances and the inability to transfer my job location just yet, I had to decline the offer. *sniff, sniff*. (now after that lengthy explaination who didn't know I was going to say that I declined?) Also, the crazy old lady I live with finally accepts me, though she still "kicks me out" daily. I think I've given up on trying to get her to be nice, she's nuts.

Only other thing I can think of is that Alanis Morrisett was performing at The Grove (outdoor mall my Apple store is located in) yesterday and we were able to stand at the door and see some of the performance. It was cool, and I like her new hair cut. Short looks good on her. Well I guess that's all so bye-bye for now!!!

Well it's happened again. It seems I have the amazing ability to have roommates that like to leave me high and dry. Mary, the newest, most recent one has bailed and left me draining my savings to make ends meet... again. Well while I am glad she is gone, I am a little unhappy that I am having to move out in less than a week because I cannot pay for my rent any longer. I will be staying with a friends old grandmother while I save a bit of money so I can move for real. Sadley most all my belongings will have to stay in storage so I hopefully will have the ability to do more writing, but I will not have an internet connection. So those of you who know my cell, that's the best way to get a hold of me, though I am told the library down the street is wireless so there is hope. Sorry i have not kept better tabs on myself here. School and work have kept me very busy, but the bright side is that I have been accepted to two UC's. UCR and UCSB... still waiting for others, we'll see what happens. Wish me luck!!! I'll try to post again soon and tell ya'all what's happening. Check in later!

Though I've been "a little off" for quite some time now, I think I may be at the point where I am truley losing my mind. I've gone a week with only a day, maybe two where I recieved any significant amount of rest within my sleep. I went through half my week in a very delirious state. I was having mild halucinations during classes, a key example being that when some people in my speech class were bored and making droplet noises (from different points in the room) and I just accepted it all as being just in my head. The sadest aspect of all this being that I was suprised when I saw one of the people doing it. Shocked that it was explainable and happening? Yeah, just a little odd on my part.

Maybe it's stress and not sleeping well. School deadlines are piling up, work is taking my weekends (including Friday), and I'm looking to get a second job. I made it to the screening process for the one I am currently interested in. I'll give more details as things happen. I go tomorrow to LA so you may hear something soon, who knows. My families ongoing issues never cease to bug me, and I'm constantly caught in the middle of my parents "grown-up" actions. THEY'RE ALL NUTS!!!!!! No wonder I'm following in thier footsteps... maybe it genetic. Hopefully things get better, or I find a place to be intitutionalized where they have really cute orderlies....hehehehe.

Oh, by the way, sorry if there are spelling errors, I accidently submitted this to soon and didn't spell check... not all will know how well I REALLY spell.... if you didn't know already.

Well it's taken me a while but I think I have finally accepted that this poor LJ is a rant and vent arena, but that's fine it's not like many people read it anyway, I think it's more for personal peace of mind more than anything else. Today's triggering event was a meeting I had for school. It was for my ED10 class, Introduction to Education. We met at IHOP across from Disney and we ate and had the discussion the assignment called for. At 22 I was the oldest person in the group. One girl, a mother of two was one of the youngest at age 19. Another, just 20 is engaged and plans to marry next year so she can LEGALLY drink at her wedding though she happily admitted to drinking since high school, including an arrest for underage drinking. Colorful group so far eh? But that wasn't bad, it was interesting to find they were so interesting. Unfortunately most couldn't stay on topic long, and it was obvious they were just doing it for the grade. Lack of attentiveness and crude behavior quickly became annoying. As we talked about our future plans as teachers (that is what the class is about) I found few had to many set plans, they did it because they like kids.. but at least it's a good start.

After we finished most of the group left and 5 of us went to Disney land, I though for sure that had to be better, I was wrong. The other 4 obviously knew each other from before and while I was part of the group, I wasn't at the same time. The ran around and wandered off more times than I wish to number. We didn't do much before they decided they wanted to go. On the way out we stopped at a shop on main street. Before I know it half of the group is gone again, about 20 minutes later we get a call and find that they are in the other park, nice of them to let us know they were leaving. This was the level of maturity and responsibility I dealt with the entire time. When they ran off the last time I gave up and just left.

I think in a way this was all a good thing. I t made me realize I REALLY have to get going with my life. I have to get out of this school and into some place where people take education and life seriously. Or at least more so than the people I am currently educating myself with.

I've also had more time to myself lately, my roommates are rarely around so the place is quiet. I do like the quiet from time to time, but I didn't grow up with things so calm, I think that is part of what bugs me. I know it was a good choice to move out, I needed to, at the time it was the best choice. Now I am wondering about where I'll end up. I don't want to move back, though my mother wants me to because I can't handle that, visits are nice, but I don't think I could live there full time again. Being separated from my family and everything I grew up with does force me to figure out who I am without them. That's the hardest part because I don't know. Worst part is I don't know where to start. Guess that's the next step, from there it shouldn't be to hard, I'm not stupid and it is myself. Maybe I'm making it more complicated than it is. I have a speech that's due next week that might be the perfect stepping stone, an introduction speech... I'll keep ya posted on how all that goes.

Well it's been a while. Last time I wrote you all learned of my sister's engagement and my parent's divorce which is official, they filed a few days before christmas. So while I've given up on father figures and just accepted the idiot my sister is engaged to, I find that it continues to pour. Life really likes to kick you when you're down and it's how you deal with it that shapes your character. It sounds nice but is a serious kick in the ass when it happens. All I want to do is leave and start over again, but it obviously didn't work the first time so it may not be safe to try it again, not until I figure out what I did wrong this time.

On a high note my mother is attempting the dating game, my step dad has finally gone and started proper visits with my younger sisters and I got a truck out of the deal. It is a beauty and I plan to take very good care of it. A nice escape I guess. School is out and about to start once more, my grades last semester were passing but not even close to what I wanted or needed. I am waiting anxiously as my UC apps. are received, but I won't hear anything till around april or may.

The icing on this cake is my "best friend"... well it's the title this person has worn for the last two years, and I don't know if it fits. Lately, it's hard to make the word friend fit. While the problems stick with me, they are forgotten by this person within hours. Then if I bring them up it's something wrong with me. Maybe I am over sensitive, maybe they are not sensitive enough, and maybe I'm just being polar. Either way, I hope to see some changes in the near future.

Tomorrow a few friends and I are going mini golfing, and with any luck it'll give a high point to the week. I am going to San Fransisco this weekend, and I'm just praying it goes well. Two years left, if I get my degree soon I may just take Jeni up on her offer and go to Texas. One last try, but there I'll have someone who really knows me, who is a true best friend who will be there for me. Only time will reveal what will happen between now and then, I look forward to it, can't get much worse..... knock on wood.

All in all, BLAH... you live, you learn, you deal. And like always so will I. With any luck the next time you hear from me it will be bright and cheary... don't laugh, it's possible. Love ya all.

I had figured the next time I updated my journal that it would to be to rant about the stupid people in class. Now while they are stupid to a degree I thought only possible at work, they are not the focus of today's rant. I recently found out that my younger sister plans to get married in 2 months. Not a regular wedding, but a Vegas wedding. When asked what brought this about she said her boyfriend wants to marry before he goes over seas so he can sign up for base housing.

I guess a little background information in in order to put this in perspective. My younger sister is 20 years old and her boyfriend is 30. That's not to big an issue though it put me on guard the first time I heard it. They will have been dating for 1 year in January and he already asked her once to marry him when he went away to basic training. Yes he is in the army or marines, I forget which.

My views on the issue:
1. I think he wants to be married so he gets better housing (ones with families have better places)
2. He gets to take my sister with him if he's married. (This puts her at risk and takes her away from everyone she knows)
3. He wants to be able to get some.. sick and sad, but probably true he is male.
(no offense to those decent ones, I know there has to be one or two out there)

I'm beginning to like this guy less and less everyday. I don't think this is a good choice or my sister to make, but I'm being told by others not to say anything because it is her life and her choice to make. But what if she's making a huge screw up, how can we help her if she's over seas? I'm worried and in some ways angry at how lightly everyone is taking it. I'm being told that I'm over reacting but with all that's going on right now I think they are all under reacting. My parents are getting divorced and now looks like my sis is going to marry, which may not be the best of choices. So I am left with a choice of my own, to speak or not to speak.... what do you think?

Well It's been a while, but since this is really only read by a few close friends and myself I guess it doesn't matter too much. So today like others this is a review and vent.

Guess I should start off on what triggered the sudden need to update my journal, well that's simple. First off I have a ton of homework, which of course means anything I can do to not have to do it looks great...hehee. Second and biggest reason is I made the dumb choice to watch a chick flick by myself. "How to lose a guy in 10 days". An absolutely great movie which I loved, kinda knew I would to. But of course it was sappy (well in my mind) because they get together in the end. Well that's what you would expect isn't it? Of course, but it's not the type of thing single women should watch on their own. It has a tendency to depress because in the end, like most people do you find yourself comparing you to the skinny beautiful actress on the screen. And the 'why not me' kicks in.

Not for me, not this time at least. It was more the, that won't be me. I have good reason though. I believe I have the innate tendency to drive away anyone who could be remotely good for me. I don't attract the kind of guy I want and the kind I do are relationships I can pinpoint as going no where early on so I end them. So here I am, a short (and I mean VERY short) string of WAY short term relationships, a job that I love and hate at the same time, school that is driving me nuts because I'm not reaching my potential. Though as a side note it would help if I got my butt in gear and did something about it. Maybe worked even harder, I know I could. But, back to my whining (don't worry this is almost done). So let's see, we had work, school, oh yes, a roommate who is being great and at the same time seems to not be fully honest with me, that I can deal with. But me I can't, the one thing in my life that is driving me over the edge is ME! I can't stand me. Or this eternal hope that one day I'll be like the girls in the movies. I'm 22, it's time I grew up.

Last month or so I was seeing this guy, kinda dating, but it was only for a week or so. A week in I was to start school, but I had to crash all my classes and was way stressed out. I had told him about it and how I needed someone with a lot of patience, "I am quite a handful" I warned. He was honest and told me he wasn't one to have much patience. It didn't matter to me though, he had told me I was cute, and that he 'really liked me' and didn't want to mess it up. Well that's where I come in, we got a little to close and almost too far so I backed things way off. I knew I wasn't going to have time for him once school started and so I asked him if we could just stay 'dating', you know, be non-exclusive, see other people if it came up. He agreed, and then... then that was the end. We didn't speak much, still don't unless I initiate, and today I learned he has a new girlfriend. I shouldn't have been upset, I didn't let him know I was, but I was kinda shocked. I thought he would wait at least more than a month, but I guess guys are just like that.

There is a reason so many people are single, I think in part it is society and thier twisted views on what is beautiful, and the second is the resulting views we have of ourselves and others. A good example of this is the aqrgument I got into with a friend. There was a girl walking down the street that I thought was just WAY to skinny, he didn't agree, and told me that she was the perfect size. That I would look that way, even though I protested and didn't want to. Then again there is my male bashing single side that says it's all the fault of the guy. In some way shape of form they have to be, right? Otherwise we are forced to blame ourselves because you quickly run out of people to blame.

At times I think I'll just give the whole stupid game up, and I about do, quite happily I might add, when someone comes along and messes with that. It's high time I found a way to fix that, because they are either happy with who you are and are someone you can't grow with or they aren't happy with you the way you are and so you lose yourself trying to become what THEY think you should be and along the way you start to lose what makes you who you are. I'm tired of it, and it's funny how sappy cute chick flicks, as much as they depress you, can open your eyes to what you knew all along. Strange how that is, and not at the same time. Well not that I've gotten that out the way, maybe next time I have good news it'll lat me post unlike last time.

Until next time when we see what new things life has sent my way.

Looking back on posts gone by has brought me to one conclusion... I'm pathetic. Much like reading those old diary entries from when you were little, watching myself grow over the course of a year is rather entertaining. I don't know what my thing with "living" was, but it makes sense in a way. I had just left home where things were ordered chaos, and been thrown into a world where I had to order my own chaos. Mildly sheltered in comparison to the new world I was meeting I felt as if I were just beginning to live, or that I needed to. Come to find out I did more "living" back home than I do now.... and if I didn't then living sucks. Then again, maybe it's all in how you look at it. If you aren't dead/buried or a decomposing corpse that is lying in a ditch somewhere feeding random animals... (I know, grose)... then you are living by the basic fact that you are still breathing and existing.

I'm hitting my year mark at work, and already hitting a year out on my own, WOW. I will be needing to move again soon. Need to be closer to school and my current roommate kinda sucks. My best friend "the boy" is making me feel a bit left out, I am being passed over/ignored/forgotten more lately. It seems to have become okay to do so because it is me. I don't think it's on purpose, but either way I am returning to the belief that boys just suck, not such a bad philosophy, it has served me well in the past. Helps me to not take as much crap from the opposite sex.

Unfortunately I'm discovering that finding direction on what to do next is as hard as finding a new apartment that fits my budget. Those who I thought were friends are turning out to be mere acquaintances. Friends are hard to come by, I talk to dozens upon dozens of people in a day, yet how many can I call when I'm having a bad night? Of those I can, which will actually care? The number remaining? .... good question.

I'm looking forward to school starting, my brain is in need of complex thought again. I believe it is beginning to atrophy from lack of intellectual thought. I am also looking forward to the new social opportunities it will open up. I have 12 units until am finished with all my GE courses, which means my degree is in sight. But where do I go from there? I hadn't really planned to be out here when I went to school. My life plans have always been set up so different from how they've turned out. I didn't see myself single, and I thought I'd be about done with school by now. I am going to continue with my teaching degree, but I don't know if that's even what I want to do. It is, but it isn't. I'm missing essential pieces I thought I'd have by now and it's causing me to question what I'm doing.

Seems life is throwing a lot at me all at once. I'm not sleeping as well anymore because my head is full of stuff, can't concentrate. Means it's time to sort life out again, make it make sense. But how? I don't even know what to do next, I feel like I'm drowning and there is no one around to pull me out. My support base, my best friends are so far away from me now. I call Jeni and so many times her life is going exactly like mine is, but of course in different ways. She and I will always be one in the same, and I miss her. She knows me, and knows what it takes to get my head on straight. And Amber, who knows just what to say to cheer me up and get me looking in the right direction so I can figure things out, even if she herself has no clue what it is I need. Sometimes she gets me to answer my own questions so that the crisis is over, other times they are both just there. We talk forever and they don't get annoyed with listening or think I'm being self centered, they listen. Tell me things that they are going through that mirror the feelings so I don't feel so alone.

So many times I've just become so fed up with life, but then I remember them, the few I know would miss me when I'm gone. Those who let me know they need me, at least every now and then. It's time my life became more ordered. No more waiting for people who say they will be there and never show. People who's word means nothing. Looks like I need to rely on myself and pray a whole lot. Guess no one really knows what's around the next bend. They say the adventure is in the journey, and I've never had things go according to plan, they just seem to fall into place at the last minute. God put a lucky star above me when I was born, sometimes that's the only way I can explain it. Will be trying to put more in here as the days go by. Looking back on where you've been can help you know where to go in the future as long as you remember to look forward when it's time to move again. Until Later!

I think one of my pet pevs would have to be when people try to get you to do things and make it sound like they want it for your own good, when in actuality they just want it so they can get something they want. It makes you start to wonder, how many people are your friends and how many people are just using you.

Truth is, if you think about it, everyone has their useful qualities. Many of these qualities are easily exploited and it's totally unnoticeable, but that is the cynical side of me, so it's not the nicest way of seeing it. So that I don't seem all evil, I'll explain where this stems from. There is my friend, yes, the nameless friend again who many would wonder why I have him as a friend at all. I wonder from time to time, but only when I'm really down and no one is there... even that person. Anyway, I know I do things to irritate this friend. It's not on purpose, it's just things in my personality that he is not fond of and has told me so. Many times, as a joke, or maybe not, he has told me how he must be a friend if he's stayed around this long. Now if you think about it, a friend would never say something like that if you were arguing about the way you were treated by that person right? If I'm wrong someone please feel free to let me know, I don't like thinking he's just insensitive.

What all this has caused me to do is stop and rethink why it is I am around certain people. Am I using them? Or do I like their company, the companionship? Are they really friends at all? I find myself missing the people I know I can lean on, my true friends. The ones who have not left me, even when we disagreed on huge decisions in ours lives. They stayed my friends, and while they were truthful and let me know what they thought, they were never cruel to me. I could take things wrong, but they never made me cry, or just left because they didn't want to put forth the effort to fix things.

So who are the real friends. Friends come in all forms, so how can you tell when they are the real thing, and what do you do if you find out they aren't. No one wants to be alone and we all need someone who is there for us. For me I know I've been there for those I call friends, but some haven't always been as available. When I need to vent they tell me I take to long to explain? I don't know, looking at it from the outside I have to find why I call them a friend. It may just be because I love him, but that is a silly thing to do. Being single and on my own is much safer, and while I don't always want safe, I know I don't have to worry, I need something looking first. Who knows what the future will bring though. With the changes that are happening to and in me, I think the tables will be turned, and then I'll have the fun turn around to write about. They may fear me leaving, they may end up fearing that I become exactly what they wanted and suddenly they no longer have control.... should be fun to watch. Until next time and next rant!

Well yesterday I went off on a rant, but that's what this is here for so no apologies, well really. This however is a follow up while in not such a heated mood. While I still believe that most men are all ego and bravado, I know there is more. Like many I tend to make hasty judgments when angry or annoyed. Now the friend I had the disagreement with always seems to make more sense the day after a "discussion gone bad".

The day that follows usually has a good conversation that in it's own way explains the disagreement from before. I'm not one who likes conflict, not any that affects me directly especially. It just sits wrong with me, so when I'm fighting with someone I feel just awful. What I did find is that he isn't so bad, though at times he deserves the rants I have, he never hears them. I value the friendship to much, and maybe that's just me being silly, I don't know.

I have found that I do just have to let go though. I help him move on and find himself someone new, all the while wishing, thinking, maybe me? But I know that's silly and a thousand times tell myself never, why would I it? But I do have to let go, be a friend and help him out. I f you love someone you let them go, isn't that how the saying goes? And so I must, if not for him, for myself. It'll hurt sometimes, but in the end it's for the best. I want to see him happy, and I want to see me free. I want to have fun and enjoy life, I want to be happy. I have so much life left to live, and so much I still want to do.

I was told I never describe myself the same way twice, I didn't understand how that could be though. I think I have it figured out now, it would be different every time because I have been trying to reinvent myself and each new experience changes the shape of what that is. Well I have rambled enough for now. Goodbye until the next time I go off on a tangent! ^_^

I got into this conversation with a guy friend of mine today. Now of course I should know better than to have this conversation with a guy, but it came up anyway. No it's not about 'girl things', then again, in a way it is. We were talking about the different classifications of men. While you can classify them in many different ways tonights topic had them split as follows:
Category A -
1. Men who know themselves and are over confident
2. Men who know themselves and aren't
Category B -
1. Men who don't know themselves and are over confident
2. Men who don't know themselves and aren't

For my conversation purposes only category A was used, and it was more than enough. You see, the person I was talking to fit into category A subsection 1. I know, to much thinking already in this post, but don't worry it has a reason.

Now I know you must be wondering what point does all this have? Well it's my post and doesn't need to have one, but don't worry it does. You see, we got to this subject by discussing what type of girl he needs. He thinks he needs someone older and smarter because he finds that attractive. He was tired of dealing with immaturity, now all the women can laugh because we know we'll always have to deal with it. I agreed stating that I also was tired of it, but that it didn't get better as men got older. "you think I'm not pretty solid?" Only one answer could be given to that, 'solid to a point'.

At this point I would have been okay, but I went a bought myself a shovel. He had no clue what I was talking about. He finds the way I discuss things to be vague and it annoys him. I thought I was being perfectly clear, but I explained it out a bit further and got to the categories from above. Then I explained how I saw things based on my own experiences and even though it was my opinion it annoyed him. I can't explain anything without him thinking I believe I am miss know-it-all. I do find it rather annoying, so I went with it full ahead. In the end I think he was rather miffed because I did admit to not having it all figured out. I don't, I have SO much more to figure out.

And the point of this? Well I got down to the reasons lying in traits most all men posess. That those who are most confident may not really be all that confident at all and that what they really have is a big ego. Now I did refrain from going into the psychology of the ego, but it may have helped my case... if he had still been listening, most likely wasn't. I love the boy to know end, more than he will ever know, but helped me realize all those over-confident guys are. For them it's a show.... all ego and bravado!

My goodness, my last entry was back in November.... 4 months ago. Well I know much has happened in between there, so what to say. Well I've got a new attraction at Disneyland because they drained the river. I miss the river. But for now I am on steam trains and loving it, wish I had more hours though. Oh well, soon I hope.
I have definitely widened my social circle and still something seems to be missing. As I look over my old posts I can guess as to what that is, but aside from that I am content. May consider moving again, but may not be able to until next year...*sigh*.
Meanwhile I have started my writing up again, also found that in my haste to create I created one to many characters for one of my stories and need to axe one and change the gender of another... strange playing god, at least he can make up his mind, boy or girl...hehee.
I also plan to start school again in the fall, hopefully finish that degree sometime before I'm 40. I hope to accomplish a great many things before I am 40, many before I am 30.... we'll see what happens.
Last little tidbit is the boy I obviously referred to many times in posts gone by. I don't know what the deal with him is anymore. He needs to stress a lot less and I personally need to kick his butt and teach him how to treat people, namely me. Doubt that will happen, but it's nice to think it. Oh the tangled webs we weave, eh?

Sometimes the biggest challenge in life to over come is that of realizing your dreams. Not just dreams of success economically speaking, but personal dreams. Dreams like finding that perfect someone and living happily ever after. Having a family and a home and things of a more domestic nature. Things that sound silly to most people, but are things the average person wants.

So many times I wonder if happily ever after is really possible. So many bad choices, wrong paths taken and fears all to often realized. How can you really believe that the light at the end of the tunnel is real and not just another illusion? I have always been the optimist, and lately I have no reason not to be... well almost. You see, I was beginning to believe in happily ever after.

Growing up every little girl has a picture in her mind of 'Mr. Right'. It's an image that grows and changes as the little girl does until it becomes the compilation of traits she is looking for in a future mate. Every so often one little girl will make the image an unobtainable one. It makes sense, the human condition is never satisfied and is always trying to obtain the unobtainable. But what happens when she finds someone who meets those conditions. What if Mr. Unobtainable really exists, and worse yet even likes her? I know, 'worse yet', it makes it sound like finding him is a bad things. But if he is "unobtainable" then maybe it is.

You find yourself falling, not on purpose, or because you want to, but because you are. Then you realize you want to be the center of their universe but can't be. The reason, his heart belongs to another, one who has left him reaching out, waiting for her to return. He cares for you, you can see it in his eyes every time he looks your way. Only a heart can not be divided between the two, a choice must be made, the one he loves is not you. It's the one who so much of his life was spent on.

You come along, the two of you click. It's convenient, and the time spent together is more than wonderful, but you have to face the truth. He doesn't want you to fall because you'll get hurt, unfortunately he doesn't realize it's much to late for that. Quickly you are becoming the rebound and it hurts, but how can you tell him without it sounding wrong or ruining the friendship you have created. The fear of loosing it all stops you from doing what your heart needs. Instead you smile, nothing wrong. In the moments when you have all his attention the truth doesn't seem to matter, it's those times when you sit back and think that let you know something is not right.

You can't take her place in his heart, and as hard as you try you can't just get him to forget. Wounds take time to heal, and even the joy you find in each others company may one day be a memory like all the others you have. The memories of people gone, or better days. Back when life was simple and boys really didn't matter. Back before your own mind had the ability to destroy you. So we look to the future and be it an illusion or not, we must look forward. Looking back you only find regrets, moving forward lets you pause and recall better days as you continue to move on.

In the end, what should the decision be? Is there the possibility that maybe, just maybe there is hope? A possibility that you can help the healing in not only him, but yourself? The choice is yours, giving up would be far to easy, and what is life if not a daring adventure?

You are walking around one day, happily single and though it's in the back of your mind, you aren't looking. Sure you check out that piece of eye candy walking by, and you entertain the thought of asking out that hottie from work, but that is about the extent of it. Sure being single has a vast number of advantages, but there are times when you really just don't care. Example, you go out with friends to see a movie, chances are there is a love story of some kind in that movie. In many of the storylines coming out it is usually the unattractive girl being found by, and falling in love with, the cute guy from where ever. Then you start thinking, 'why not me?'.

So why not? Why not you? Well the first question to follow that is, 'what's wrong with me?'. This is where the trouble starts, when you look for something negative you are almost sure to find something. Even if it is blown out of proportion, you find something wrong that justifies why you are alone. Then you realize that maybe that is the problem, you just don't want to be alone. And then, many mistakes later, you realize maybe being alone isn't such a bad idea. There are more pigs than gentleman and it's not likely that you'll be finding one of the good ones, mainly because they all seem to be taken. Now, wiser than before, you find yourself back where you started. In the back of your mind you are still looking for Prince Charming, the rest of you happily finding ways to make him look like a pathetic choice. But then it happens, out of nowhere someone appears.

On a whim that lacks logic or thought you ask him out, nothing big, no real date, just go hang out. Unfortunately you find him to be absolutely charming. This should be a good thing right? Maybe not, you've been swept up in the 'rose colored mist' before and you know what that gets you. The next day, still in shock that things went so well you are suprised to be invited to meet up again. Of course you accept, how could you not? Then all hell breaks loose, one day turns into two, and then another, and a another until you find you've been seeing this person non-stop for a week and you couldn't be happier. You are doing things you haven't done in years and your biggest fear is that you will do something that will end it all as quickly as it came.

You find out they like you, sadly, the timing on this is crappy and there is nothing you can do. Makes sense, things to good to be true usually are, but then you notice he stays around. He doesn't leave and push you away, instead you grow closer. You begin to let your guard down, you begin to trust again, all the while afraid it is not a good choice. Then you hear the words... no, it's not 'I love you' silly people, it's 'don't fall'.

Don't fall? What can you say to that? How can you say it's almost to late? You wonder why they would say something like that, what is the purpose? How do you stop from falling? How do you face all the fears you have if you do? How can you face yourself if you don't. Love is a silly thing, many times we have no control over it whatsoever. Your head many times will tell you the logical thing to do, but then your heart chims in. There is little logic in passion, and little passion in logic. So there you are, stuck, unsure which voice is right.

In the end you just have to see what happens. Find the spontaneity in life and embrace it. It's not where you start or where you end that matters, it's the journey in between. The memories, the good times and the lessons learned. In the end, no matter what happens, even if you get hurt, when it's all said and done you have the memories. The human mind naturally will forget and supress the bad times, so all you are left with is the images of those times when you were happy. Being able to look back at the journey of life and see an adventure completed and know that you have truly lived.

Well I've been missing for a few days so I thought I'd drop a few lines so no one thinks I was eaten by hungry bed bugs.

The last few days have been busy in a not so over consuming way. For about two weeks now I've just been out and about hanging out with a friend. I went to see a movie and then went to the pier on thursday, walked the beach and got my pants all wet Friday. By the way, if you ever go to the beach at night, here are a few things to remember. First, the sand is cold so if you take off your shoes keep moving, you will eventually loose feeling ^_^. Second, the water looks nice and is fun to play in, but if you are wearing pants don't take chances, especially if you don't have a back up pair. And third, this is a fun one, if a cop rides up on a little ATV, close your eyes, he'll be flashing a flashlight at you soon enough. "BEACH IS CLOSED".... one would think they could be nice about it, the beach is pretty at night.

Now back on topic... well kinda. Saturday, I think on that day I went to dinner and then watched 'Ten things I Hate About You'. I have a friend who hadn't seen it yet so it was a must for movie night. Sunday I woke early for work and then while we were watching TV, we passed out. Who is we? Well maybe that will come out later if you don't already know. Monday, yesterday, I went out and bought a bike, a very nice bike and I like it a lot. For the price I paid for it I better too. I think I cut off extra spending for a month or two, but it's worth it. And now for today, I go pick up my bike. The bike rack my friend had purchased didn't fit and there was no time to jimmy something together, so... poor bike had to wait, and be lonely in the back of the store, much sadness. I ended up dropping off and picking my friend off from work and ate candy while I waited, silly move. I was wired the rest of the night, one may have thought I was nuts... well maybe I am.. hehehe

Anyway, maybe I'll get to ride that bike tonight. hmmm, we'll see. Well for now I must go and start my day. More on the crazy days I've been having later... if they don't sound crazy, well it's because you haven't been out with me before.^^

(Note: don't give Amy sugar after 7... much madness will follow. Unless of course you are brave enough. Mwaahahahaha)

BYE!

It's strange how many times we are unable to see ourselves as others see us. Some are unaware of the positive traits, others the negative. For me, it's the positive.

When someone gives you a compliment people usually don't laugh as a first reaction. Well at least I don't think they do, however that is how I did. As one would expect it confused the other person, as it well should, I explained that I was caught off guard. Good excuse I guess, I just didn't know how to take it. You go through years of never hearing certain things, no real compliments, how are you to know how to take one?

Life is strange, right when you think you have nothing left, you find there is something or someone who makes it worth the effort. Someone who sees the best you have to offer and brings that out in you. I was fortunate enough to find someone like that, it was quite random, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

There comes a time for change in every life, sometimes it is brought on through a positive means, and other times it's through having your heart torn out and stepped on. Look for that friend who knows the pain, or brings you that joy, they have the amazing talent to teach you to live. I know it seems I have a preoccupation with getting out there and living, but I think it's because I finally realized that life isn't worth living if you aren't living it. ^_^

The range of human emotions is vast and amazing. One day you are on the top of the world, invincible. Then the next day you are caught up in a tempest of emotions over the exact same thing and it is so overwhelming that you are almost helpless to do anything about it. Sound familiar? If not I am sadly alone in this mental storm, but I doubt it.

Every person at one time or another in their lives will experience strong emotion of some sort. It may be love, it may be pain, or any number of other feelings. The way we deal with these emotions shapes who we are. Just like every situation and person we come across teaches us something that will mold us in some way.

Trial by fire, maybe that is what life is. Tested under pressure to see if we will make it. As the old saying goes, 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger'. At times I almost wish it just would kill me. It is such a battle with myself sometimes, and that is the hardest battle of all. When you fight against yourself there is no way to leave and give yourself time to think. Unless of course you can leave yourself, which seems like a physical impossibility. So what then? Your head and your heart fighting to tell you the right path, the right choices. Unfortunately passion and logic rarely agree. When you feel those sparks, and see that fire, but know to proceed may destroy it all, what do you do?

Life is funny that way sometimes. A giant roller coaster with no end in sight. A house of cards where one wrong move sends it all tumbling down. It's what makes the adventure so hard, but the challenge so inviting. When you have nothing to lose the game means nothing, but when it's all on the line suddenly the thought of loosing seems out of the question.

Before I start my rambling, I want to give thanks to Amber for the code and to tell Irwin, THERE! I finally got one. ^_^ Now for the musings of my mind for the day:

I always thought starting a new life would be a simple thing. You move out, get a job, and just start living. I guess I was sort of right, it just depends on your definition of living.

I moved out away from my family, friends, and everything I had grown up knowing. I wanted a fresh start where I wasn't living with the images and expectations of what everyone else thought I was and should be. I gave myself six months to find a job and a new place to stay. Not really the best choice of plans. I got lucky. A friend from high school wanted a bigger place and needed a roommate. We got a small apartment and I got a job. So I was out, had a place and a job, that's everything, right?

I had always thought that life was defined by the living of it. I was quickly pulled into a cycle of life. Sleep, go to work, eat, go home, go to bed. Sad existence to say the least. I made friends, hung out a little and then the school year started and things came to a screeching halt. The realization that life was rather pointless kicked in quickly. But one day things changed, I met someone.

The first thought that would come to someone's mind is most likely that I found myself a boyfriend, but that's not the case. Sure I work with many pieces of eye candy, but this case is different. Yes it was a boy, and he is absolutely adorable. A good friend who didn't even know it, but in his own way got me to live again.

I spent the day with him yesterday and we talked about everything. I found he is a lot like me, someone who needs to be taught what it means to live again. So that's what I plan to do, show that living isn't merely existing, but experiencing life to it's fullest. Guess it just takes time to get that fresh start, but at least it's not impossible. ^_^